Monday, 30 June 2008

• Growing up (PART 2) ...

  (For those who haven't read the first part, scroll down.)

  Let's see ... where am I?  Ah, yes.  Our Friday lunch.  I took him out to Enchiladas y Más - an excellent Mexican restaurant off of N183 in Austin.  We had a great conversation.  I told him about my recent realizations, and he listened.  It was great seeing him again.  (I should preface this by mentioning that we had text each other every day the past week.)  I left his place and realized that I definitely was not over him. 

  These feelings continued and only worsened.  I constantly checked my cell phone for text messages from him.  I almost became obsessed about having to get a response from him.  It was driving me insane.

  The following Wednesday, while bowling with him, I was extremely nervous.  Every time he looked at me, my heart sank.  A week and a half after breaking up, I still was not over him.  While walking back to our vehicles, I tried to tell him.  It was not until he dropped me off at my car that I told him.  I said it was too painful to spend time with him as his friend because I liked him too much.  I told him that I wanted to sever all communication ties temporarily.  He told me that he didn't want to do that, but he would respect my decision.  I ended up pleading with him, asking him to give us one more chance.  I missed him.  I missed being with him.  I missed hearing his voice.  If it meant being ten feet apart at all times, I would do it in a heartbeat.  I wanted to grow with him spiritually.  He told me then that God told him to wait and that I needed to be patient.  I was willing to do it.  I was willing to be patient.  We were both crying throughout the conversation.  It was an intense forty minutes.

  The conversation ended with a hug, and he dropped me off.  It was painful for me.  Furthermore, my emotional outburst led to a scuffle between him and his brother-in-law.  He had promised to meet him thirty minutes earlier and had not shown up on time.  The brother-in-law left.  (Fortunately, he was able to resolve it.)   

  Two days later, I was having a bad day and needed spiritual guidance.  I inexcusably took my anger out on him when he said he could not talk to me right away.  I acted immaturely.  Yet, he listened to me later on that night.  He forgave me.  We talked for an hour, and he listened and gave me spiritual advice.  What an amazing friend.  I felt horrible, though, about being so needy, about leaning on him as if he were my spiritual crutch.

  That weekend (this past weekend), we did not talk much.  I asked him about his sister, who is currently ill.  She is doing better, which makes me extremely happy.  I did, however, make some big decisions on my own.  My roommate, my fantastic roommate, told me something no one else had told me.  She said, "Lisa, for the first time since I have known you, you have not been in control of a situation."  She hit the nail on the head.  I cannot control this situation, and this lack of control makes me impatient.  I read in Character Makeover that patience is a stronghold because Satan can easily latch on to it and make you weak.  It is extremely unhealthy for me and for him.  I cannot drag him along.  I cannot be a control freak.  I decided then, with Jamie by my side, that I would sever all communication ties with him temporarily.  It was hard.  It still is hard. 

  I sent him this email today:

  "I hate to write this is an email, but I deleted your phone number from my phone for the time being.  I need to sever all communication ties with you temporarily.  It is for the best.  On Saturday night, I was talking with Jamie when she pointed out my biggest weakness – my need to be in control of everything.  For the first time since she has known me, I have not been in control of my life, and it is killing me.  I decided, with her backing, to write down your cell number and hand it to her while deleting your cell number from my phone.  I am always tempted to call you or text you, and it is extremely unhealthy for both of us.  When I do not have control of a situation, I tend to become needy and rely on people heavily.  I cannot do that to you.  You do not need that.  What I did last Friday was inexcusable.  Yes, it is one thing to talk with someone about a certain issue.  It is another thing, though, to demand that a person give up his or her time to help me.  That was so selfish of me.  I am so sorry.

  I have been praying this entire weekend for the strength and patience I need to be in any relationship.  Although the praying, the conversations with Ray and Emily (Thank God for both of them!) and the Christian self-help books (lol) have helped, it is not enough.  Hence, I have decided, with the backing of my parents and Emily, to go to counseling – specifically Christian counseling.  I cannot let Satan control my life as he has.  Satan has a stranglehold on my ability to be patient.  In order to be that daughter, friend, professional, wife and mother I desire, I need to be more patient.  I need to have more self-control.

   

  I am so thankful that God spoke to you and not to me about waiting.  He knows me so well.  Had He told me to wait, I would have looked at Him and said, "Okay, God, forty-eight hours.  I can do that."  Then after waiting for forty-eight hours and not getting what I wanted, I would have extended the wait period to ninety-six hours.  That is not good.  God does not reveal our timetables to us.  He wants us to live and to experience life while walking with Him.  When you told me to be patient, God was telling me to be patient, to relax, to leave it in His hands.  I am praying for the strength to do that.  I need to do that.

   

  I do not know what our future holds, whether we are meant to be together.  This is an opportunity for us to grow spiritually individually though.  I am going to make the most of this time and grow with Him.  He has tested me in many ways this summer.  He has made me realize that (most) female Sociologists are crazy liberals with no desire to be a wife or mother.  He has made me realize my true passion in life – helping others.  He has shown me that I need to tackle my own personal issues before finding the man of my life.  I do not know if it is going to take ten sessions or forty sessions to get over my spiritual rut.  However, I am extremely excited about this opportunity because I know in my heart I can get through this.  After all, if He sees you to it, He'll see you through it.    

   

  Please do not think that I am shutting you out of my life.  I do want to see you before you leave next week because I want to say goodbye and wish you luck, even if it is just to pray with you and for you for five minutes.  (In addition, I plan to send you a care package – but no laxatives in the brownies.)  I only want the best for you.  I want to see you succeed.  It kills me to know that I cannot talk to you.  I pray for you and your family daily.  I want y'all to be reunited and to come out of this situation stronger than ever before.  Family is so important to me.  You know this so well.

   

  Do not ever think that you lost me.  If anything, you gained a better and more spiritual friend in the end.  For the first time in my life, I feel like I have direction because I am walking with God."

   

  Growing up spiritually is extremely difficult.  And yet, I need to make this change in my life.  I cannot do this to me anymore.  I cannot do this to him anymore.  My biggest fear is that I lost a true friend.  He means so much to me.  Please pray for him and for his family.  Please pray that he realizes how much I care about him.  Like I said in my email, I only want the best for him.  I know, in my heart, I would drive him crazy eventually.  Not only do I need to be patient, I need to learn how to be patient.

   

  I start counseling next Tuesday.  It is time to grow closer to Him.  It is time to grow up spiritually. 

  • 9:27 PM
  • 44 Views
  • 4 eProps
  • 4 Comments